My favorite TV shows and movies bothered me after Daddy died. High suspense stories didn’t interest me anymore. Comedies weren’t funny. Sad movies broke my heart too much. That visual art medium intensely triggered my feelings in the beginning. My heart pounding, I would rush to the bathroom wishing to vomit out the stirred memories. Mostly, I just stared at the clear water in the toilet. Later I simply disconnected my attention from TV shows or from a movie. I usually drifted into thought, or maybe went to the kitchen during some action packed scene. Dullness served its purpose for a while. I wasn’t feeling anything.
Then the determined anger came. I felt it toward my father and with myself, too, that I couldn’t even get lost in a story. So I set about the task of desensitizing, watching my favorites over and over again till I wore a callous over the ultra-sensitive nubs of my mind. Hardening myself, I purposely watched even the hardest parts of murder and mayhem. But the suicide themes, they were definitely off the list. Some things can be taken too far.
My ever-protecting husband many times tried to change the channel—for me. I got angry at him, too. I took back the remote control and flicked the channel with my single intention. I didn’t want suicide to ruin everything fun in my life. I would watch what I wanted, damn it.
Anger is an emotion of enormous power. Filled with robust, bursting energy, it’s the spark that sets the flame. Just as the mind mercifully shuts down in self- defense, anger can push it back right into reality.
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