“I just adored him.”
Frances Moore (1998)
Stereotypically, my father was the breadwinner; he was the person my mother used to threaten to tell of my misbehavior when I was a child; he was supposedly the man in control. I felt he was my protector, too, and even though I am an adult now, that child-like feeling is still within my heart. I felt he could handle anything. I loved and adored my father.
Some may not care for their fathers. Some fathers are bastards. Really there’s no easy way to deny that reality. Either way, the loss of someone so instrumental in getting you into this world is a major event.
To lose my father to a death of his own decision created a lot of different questions in my mind. Could suicide be something that I might choose to do because I have his genes? Did I mean this little to him? Did I not love him enough? What the hell was he thinking?
Your father’s decision to die is not the sum total of his life. If you adored him; allow yourself to feel the heartbreak. If you were mixed up by his treatment of you; allow yourself to feel the confusion.