Category Archives: Higher Power

Gratitude List

07 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by in depression, explaining his death, feelings, grief, Higher Power, Jesus, PTSD, shame, suicide, Thanks

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           Today, I woke up feeling shame that I always dread Easter.  This year that dread seems to be at a higher level than usual.  It will be fourteen years since my father’s suicide, the Friday after Easter, and I still feel weighted down.  And even that feels shameful.
            I don’t talk much to my church friends or pastor about the reason I tend to disappear during Easter.  In a nutshell, I’ve got Daddy, Jesus, and death rolled up in a pretty tightly knitted ball.  I feel pain, so I retreat.
            This morning I thought maybe a gratitude list of what is going on in my life right now might help me out of my funk.  Here it is:
·         I am grateful that my Higher Power loves me and allows me moments of doubt as well as moments of clarity.
·         I am grateful for my marriage.
·         I am grateful that my mother is still alive and seems to be doing so well.
·         I am grateful for my decision to write even though I struggle for ideas and scenes.
·         I am grateful for the Spring season coming.  I saw buttercups sprouting this morning.
·         I am grateful for my Codependence Anonymous support groups that I attend on a regular basis. 
·         I am grateful for the friendship of my dog.
·         I am grateful for grocery stores.
·         I am grateful for new friendships.
·         I am grateful for the realization that I grieve today.

Spirituality—Thanks

14 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by in Higher Power, Spiritually, suicide, Thanks

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                        I’m not sure when portions of my journal turned into a daily thank-you-list to a Higher Power.  I wrote these the first month after Daddy died.
Thank You for
·         the bird songs when the sun comes up.  (They took me to a non-thinking place.)
·         for the smell of the woods during my walk. 
(The honeysuckle and wild roses penetrated my thoughts.)
·         for the people at work.  (They kept their distance last week)
·         for giving me a few quiet moments from the emotional waves of grief.
·         for my husband’s friendship. (How could anyone have been my friend today?)
·         for Kleenex and friendly ears.
·         for the right to my anger.
·         for helping me dial the wrong number.  (I needed to talk to that person.)
·         for the love of my dogs. (They were more tuned in to me than I was.)
·         for the sleeping-late days. (I was so tired.)
·         for letting me be a cranky child today.
·         for a chance to see an old friend.
·         for the ease of looking at the sun through the haze.
·         for helping me not to argue with my sister yesterday.
·         for the tools to clean: a dishwasher, a broom, a washer-and-dryer, a vacuum.
·         for sex and being held afterward. (I didn’t feel worth the effort.)
·         for the time that’s past since Daddy died.  (Each day will take me a step out of this hell).